No such luck

Today was a bad day.  I truly felt that this pregnancy was going to go so smoothly, no such luck.  I am posting todays events on the blog to A) vent and get some of my emotions out and B) let everyone know what transpired in hopes that I do not get asked anymore questions.  I have changed a lot over the last couple years (not all for the better).  What I have learned about myself is I bottle up all my emotions and internalize everything (this is not something I am particularly proud of). I can't tell you exactly why this has happened but it has.  I often feel like the only person I have to depend on is myself.  Almost always, hubby is gone when things get rough (that comes with the territory of being a pilots wife).  I will never ask for help.  When asked if I need help I will always so no.  When asked how I am feeling I will always say fine.  For the past couple days I have felt REALLY terrible.  I knew something was wrong but had no idea what it was.  Then last night the itching began followed by contractions.  I knew exactly what was happening.  I slept maybe 3 hours due to the insane itching.  I drove myself to labour and delivery this morning to get blood work (confirming cholestasis).  I will have the results back this Tuesday.  Once hooked up to the monitors I was of course contracting.  They did a fibronectin test which came back negative (great news). I had dialated to 1.5cm.  They did an ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby, it was good.  Baby was very active, heart rate was good.  They are unable to give me terbutaline because of my heart so they gave me nifedipine to stop the contractions.  They finally released me with a Rx for amoxicillin and nifedipine.  I felt like i was trapped in a nightmare today.  I kept having flashbacks to Landons pregnancy and delivery.  I was feeling every emotion, angry, frustrated, sad, scared, guilty, alone.  I shed so many tears today, I can't believe I have any left.  I hate having to talk about it.  I hate answering questions.  Nobody can really put themselves in my shoes.  Sure people are concerned but what can they really do.  Some questions and or comments infuriate me or make me feel guilty.  No... I do not do too much, yes.. I rest, yes.. I drink plenty of water.  There is nothing I want more then a healthy, full term baby boy.  Keep your fingers crossed that he stays happy in there for the next 4 weeks.  Now if only I could get rid of this pounding headache and get some sleep.  I may rub a hole in the bedroom carpet from scratching/dragging my feet across it